When I was younger, I wanted to be everything. I wanted to be a doctor, scientist, author, singer, etc. If it was under the Sun, and sometimes beyond (me wanting to be an Astronaut). I wanted to be that "person" at some point, whoever that person may be.

The thing is- I wanted to be everything, yet thought quite contradictorily, that I can be only one thing. Like going to the supermarket and being told you can only chose one candy, I thought I could only have one career, one job, and one passion. I know with that sentence, I made some entrepreneurs cringe, and I cringe along with you. I limited myself in ways that I now promise myself never to do again.

Being at that age where you brain is still growing, still learning, I'd only focus on one thing that I was obsessed with and work furiously towards that goal. So much, that I became consumed by the world that I decidedly placed myself in, faking it until I hopefully "made it". That was all until I fell in love with the world of technology.

Let me backtrack myself a little bit. My name is Sylvialynn. You may call me Sylvia or Lynn, either is fine. I am 25 years old, born and raised in Southern California. I come from a line of immigrants. Being hispanic and being first generation where, as you can imagine, comes with a particular set of expectations. Those expectations made me lose myself. I stopped focusing on me and focused rather on what was expected of me.

I, like many people, before the pandemic thought I had it all laid out before me. I was convinced I was on my path. I was in school, on my way to graduating, getting my Mathematics and Science degree. I was so close to transferring where I'll become a nurse. The dream was literally within reach. During this I working full-time at a decent job in the fast food industry to get me through college and it was during this time that the pandemic hit. The world was changing and I was changing with it. The pressure of working at my job took an unexpected toll on me, people were losing their jobs, getting sick, and constantly quitting. I was struggling with working overtime and doing school full-time and add on a world wide pandemic where suddenly strangers looked towards me for comfort. As if being deemed essential meant I knew more than them. One day, I reached my breaking point and realized I wanted to become a nurse for all the wrong reasons. I wanted to make my parents proud and not worry. The idea of a stable job in my family was seen as an unreachable goal and I was motivated to being the first one to do it. It felt like an even trade, my happiness for that kind of stability becoming a nurse would provide. I am forever grateful that I even had the privilege of making that decision as a lot of people do not have that privilege in their life.

I felt like I was becoming two people, one who desperately wished to become a nurse and another who prayed that the acceptance letter would instead be a rejection letter. I thought it was all fine, juggling these two people. I let it up to fate to deal with my future. If I get accepted, it means I am meant to be a nurse. If I get denied, I wasn't meant to be a nurse. It didn't help that I didn't know what I was going to do if I got denied. My whole plan was set up for becoming a nurse but never mind that. Fate will decide. Only my family saw the damage I was creating.

If you let it, fate will decide for you, but it won't promise you the future you want.

I got my rejection letter in my email box. I didn't even make the waitlist. I was embarrassed, ashamed, and ultimately terrified to tell my family. I thought of all those in my family who have tried before me. They were all expecting me to be "the one" to break out and make it. Be the first one in the family who graduates college. Be the first to make more than minimum wage. Be the first with a "real" career. How could I tell them that I failed them? Apart of me was glad which came with its own set of guilt while I kept the rejection letter a secret. I told my parents eventually and saw the disappointment in their eyes. They asked if I was going to try again. I said, "Of course." Time moved on, I changed jobs, graduated school, but I wasn't any closer to the "answers" I was searching for. It wasn't until I overheard my father telling my Uncle that I was going to be a nurse that I knew I couldn't lie to them any longer. I was making my parents proud on a lie and I had to finally be honest with them. It took me a while but I eventually told both of my parents I no longer wanted to be a nurse. Of course they were understanding but I knew they'd have a conversation later that night talking about how worried they were for me and what was I going to do.

It sent me back to when I told my teacher I was taking two science classes, where he proceeded to tell me I couldn't possibly pass both classes. I walked away thinking he was right until I remember what he said earlier to a male student who was doing the same thing. "You'll do great." A classmate, during that same week, laughed at me when I told him the same thing, tossing me a "good luck" before proceeding to join everyone in on the "joke" that was my class schedule. I remember that when I got my rejection letter and once again when I overheard my parents worries over me. I passed those two classes, with A's. I don't know why I felt ashamed for trying when I succeeded. It took me a while to realize my shame, my embarrassment came from knowing others felt I couldn't. It felt like no matter how many times I proved myself, I'd never be good enough.

I wasn't strong enough to handle a fast food job during a pandemic. Not a good enough daughter for failing my parents expectations. Not a good enough student and now I wasn't good enough to be a nurse. There it was, someone else was telling me that they didn't believe in me. And for a split second, I wanted to become a nurse just to prove them that I could. Thankfully, I wised up. They were right, I would not have been a good nurse and that rejection letter was the best rejection I could ask for. After telling my parents that I also didn't know what I was going to do, I allowed myself one year to get myself in order. During that year I learned new hobbies, remembered old ones, relaxed, laughed, and had fun. And in having fun, I wanted to learn again. One of my favorite things to do is watch lectures on Youtube and I decided to watch a lecture called, How to Speak by Patrick Winston. That lecture led me to wanting to learn more, made me greedy. Like reading a good book, I was left wondering, "What else is out there that I didn't know?" That's where I found HarvardX. It's an online version of Harvard offered on edx.org. I still don't remember how or why, but I found myself listening to the first lecture in the course called Introduction to Computer Science (CS50) by Professor David Malan and since then I've been hooked.

Since then, I learned a bunch about the world of coding from its many languages, frameworks, and it's fantastic community. I am constantly learning new things along my journey which is paradise to me. I found myself falling in love with the history, concepts, and art of it all but most importantly, the green light. As if I was The Great Gatsby himself, I felt like I could understand what that green light must have meant to him. We are all searching in this ever expanding World Wide Web for our green light to be seen. If I have learned anything, it's that you should never limit yourself to one thing. I love software engineering because it showed me that to just be one thing, limits everything.

This field hosts a wonderful wonderland with a strong and supportive community. Even if you find yourself lost, because you will, we all do, reach out and ask. Someone always answers, even if it's a rubber duck. Thank you for reading my story in how I broke into tech. I appreciate it all.